Same heart, new heartbreak....

 I guess again, not a single person will end up reading this, including the person for whom I'm shedding these tears.

My life is about not being able to catch up. About finding some breaks and finding out they were not actually breaks, but heartbreaks.

Yesterday, after so many months of doubting and fighting and so forth I decided to end my relationship with M. This time we didn't try and mend, this time he walked away. He did great and though I know he finds breaking up easier than me, even he must be hurting. That hurt, drives me crazy. The knowing that how badly my heart is aching, it might be aching for him because of me... horrible....

But I decided a while ago that on the 11th I would decide what to do with our relationship. But dates are useless I guess. Now I decided that on the 1st of December I would rejoin him and we would know. But right, dates are useless....

I have wanted to break up from the very start. Having just been dumped by a man I was with and who I loved with my whole heart for 25 years, I stepped right into an new relationship 6 months later. The how this happened and why are absurdly crazy. But it happened and for the most part I don't regret this. 

Now, 3 years after the heartbreak that got me to write on here, I'm finding myself with a new heartbreak. Only now, I feel even more desolate. Back then I was still living in the house I was living for the past 26 years, I had my best little friends with me, I had a team of people who came to my home to help me through my suicidal thoughts and I had my 1 and only best friend who was always there for me.

Since, I sadly had to let go of my 2 little friends, I had to move, find money, get money, learn to handle money, made a new friend Su., settle in a new place. My ex no longer came and truly and fully dumped me in the years after, my home stayed a clutter, I began to learn life is expensive and I no longer got to live the way I used to, I was very much isolated, CoVid happened, I got myself a shrink who knows much about OCD, I was isolated, I adopted a new best little friend and learned to fend for myself some.

M. was throughout all of this somewhat of a rock but also a hard place. He showed me that relationships are also volatile things, he showed me how good people get to also be aggressive people. I know some would disagree and say that anyone aggressive is by default not a good person. But things are rarely that simple. But I will write on that in a separate post as it is something that has very much scared me mentally.

Now, I'm alone. My home once again is filled with memories. Now of both my ex and M. Each minute I fight with the urge to end this miserable existence.

Yesterday my friend Su. told me she won't be able to be the friend to me that I want her to be, that she keeps getting trapped in a vicious circle in which new people see her as a good and loyal friend while she really has no more time for new friends. She has too many important people and roles in her life, pretty much telling me I'm not important and I don't know a single person who enjoys hearing that the day they look for a friend because they got a broken heart.

My shrink makes weekly appointments but fails to show up for 1/4 of them. 

My best friend A. he has a child now and has very little time and energy left for anything, barely enough for himself.

I had 5 people, if you include S. who formed my basis. As of yesterday I have none.