We have some good laughs but....

 We did click.

But, he knew I started dating too soon. Yet he never pulled away. Is 1 of few things I resent. Though I could have backed out, I did not. But he knew before me. Guess something about me made him want me more than he wanted to do what was right for me.

But though we had good times and great sex, I also had many doubts. Hard to let go of someone you love even when it is not quite time to start dating. I felt what Stefan might have felt. The difference now being that I did love M. Not in love, for that my heart was still too broken.

I voiced my doubts, often. His frustrations started to show. Aside from all that was great between us, he showed me a side of a relationship I had never experienced. Aggression. I had been aggressive towards Stefan due to my own frustrations and recognized my own in his fits of anger. But while I always try and understand, I felt scared. Having someone scream at me that way and physically intimidate me was unheard of. The 1st couple of times I was sure he would hit me. But his remorse after slowly made me realize he was himself startled by this side to him.

I told him, this has to stop. Each time you do this, you break something between us.

I asked him to look for help. He told me he did not want to be this person. I trusted him but he never did ask for that help.

He did much for me, supported me, listened to me, accepted me. The aggression stayed though. He has a rather grumbling side to him at times. But I had done the same, surely I had to accept this. Work through this.

I ended the relationship often but he would come back, even climbed through my window, was all rather romantic to me. He made me feel wanted. But it turned into a pattern. Soon he no longer heeded my words as I was just a fickle- minded woman and I no longer expected anything but burning dramatic sex after doubts and fights.

Not sure he noticed the pattern or cared.

He was there for me when my little friend passed away. He was there for me during the move, rented the moving truck. He was there when my other little friend passed away.

But between those times, when I was scared or sad... I could not come to him. Unsure why, I felt blocked by something. A feeling of unsafety, maybe. Not feeling the needed warmth and understanding or depth required to abandon yourself in someone‘s arms as you cry. It requires tons of trust. Stefan had destroyed some, M. did too.

But in the meantime I did fall in love with him. Though I felt it was unreciprocated, I didn‘t try and stop this. I enjoyed every drop of this....

But the fights continued. I started to become increasingly bounded by my OCD. He was understandably frustrated but oddly understanding. My criticism which had made Stefan so unhappy, now got unleashed onto M. He is not much of a talker so it took him some time to voice his feelings.

By then I had a list of things I wanted him to change. Good for him, he did not agree with most.

He doesn‘t seem to like change. He doesn‘t much seem to like deep conversations, nature, philosophy, animals, responding to and asking questions. I do, I thrive on them....

I wanted it to work but it didn‘t, never for long.

I needed to find myself, still as I had done after Stefan ditched me. Nothing about that had changed. 

I still feel he should have let me go at the start. He has had several relationships and knew what he wanted. I did not. I still don‘t.

Now I ended our relationship before we even hit 2 years. For him, for myself. This time maybe we will get back together after a break. Though I no longer trust any relationship to really work out.

Maybe I‘m meant to be alone or in short relationships. I know I wanted M. to be friends, FWB, fuck... I still do.... but both have to want this. Plus, I seem to require some warmth and love in order to enjoy sex.

There is much about him that fits with me. But if he was just that little bit more caring or soft, romantic and if he could be more mature feeling-wise, or just more willing to communicate his feelings, we might be good together.

You know, when he writes, he gets a headache because of the having to be too involved I guess, but when he does... I fall for him each time. Watching him write down his feelings and thoughts has always felt like me breathing fresh air from within a suffocating relationship. Suffocating due to its lack in communication. But fuck, when he puts his thoughts and feelings on paper... I love him more....

Stupid how such things go hey? 

I told my best friend how he doesn‘t like to ponder things too much. How ironic it was that he met me.

My best friend thought it was too.