Physical Affection, Physical violence.
At 47 I had experienced very little physical intimacy. When I met M. I started to. When he touches me, his hands... As I would sit in the sofa I would feel his warm hands on me and I could not understand how Stefan and I had been able to be together so long without this. Happy Stefan regained this and I now I would too.
But at 47 I had also experienced no physical violence. I guess I hoped I could have seen physical violence coming and run before it hit me.
But I did not.
Writing, walls and all that, ohhh and "on the".
I was afraid at the start. His tears however made me decide it was okay. My own aggression in the past made me forgive, made me decide to understand rather than to walk away.
I did say with each fight that it broken something in me. That at some point it would break beyond repair. But read my previous post, people don't tend to actually listen to me.
Stefan went into avoidance overdrive and found others to talk and listen to with full attention.
A., my best friend, he went into always trying to prove he understood but forgetting to at times just listen. I guess he and I share the problem of having become the world's shrink. Forgetting to just listen and let the other bleed into your hands without needing to fix it all, to understand it all.
M. he listened but was angry enough to trust his own words that he would change, I understand. He did not, not fully.
So what exactly did I do when I was the aggressive 1? Nothing. I blew up, I said sorry and forgot. I only knew what it did to the other, after they walked out on me. Now I understand his side. So I felt this was my lesson. But I would talk M. into changing the outcome. Did I succeed? No. Only 1 person has to want to succeed and that is the 1 in charge of the aggression. I, I was the "victim" so to speak.
I remember the day he stood over me as I was crying on the floor after a particularly aggressive outburst. He again had tears in his eyes, what he said next surprised me. "It is because I love you so much, too much." That, that look. That sense of hearing the victim- blaming rush into me. Watching a man you love, you trust. I had let no 1 into my old house, fewer into my new house. My world was 1 of an absolute cocoon. Carefully crafted to feel safe. He fucking crushed it. Remember him saying things such as: "You and your safety." and when I said this is my house: "This is not YOUR house". Took him nothing to come up with that last 1, when challenged he calmly said, but it is not. Rational people are so fucked up at times.
I will write down what I remember. For myself, not to point a finger. If he ever reads this, he likely won't read to the end. Those who do the damage tend to close their eyes. Few ever want to hurt. I did not. But I did. It was only when I was told he no longer loved me and I was ready to change I could face my own ugly side. But otherwise, we aggressors close our eyes.
You see, I understand my OCD to be frustrating, highly. But love should help some, maybe.
So when I was in the car in our capital, a place where the past years I had gone through fun and sadness with Stefan as we went out much to go eat, I was nervous, maybe. We drove to the same area, which I had decided I would reclaim so as to not have my entire world return to that old cocoon. I'm odd that way, reclaiming places, items, songs and bleeding my heart out in order to regain. But I digress, as usual. As we drove to find a parking space, hard to find, I was skipping songs repetitively and this was likely also due to the OCD, but I saw no issue with this. He however did. He got angry and I got scared. Stefan has only on a handful of occasions, and rightfully so, raised his voice or gotten angry at me. I ran out of the car and found myself in the crowd. He came up towards me after parking and I was even more scared and as is "normal" in a capital, no 1 budged. I walked away crying and he left. He had tried, he didn't understand what started it all and that was that. As someone who does not drive easily with others, was amazing when I just got into M.'s car the 1st time the opportunity came. Again I digress... I remember sitting there on the windowsill of a store I had walked past with Stefan a million times, saw a man who I thought was a friend walk past me with his gf. There I was, no money, my phone going flat and typing to Stefan to ask for help. "May I pay for a cab to go home?" I contacted A. Someone had to help me... Phone went flat and I went into the place M. had intended to go bust some moves in. Here I went asking strangers for their phones in order to get onto Instagram and ask for M. to come and help me out. As I finally reached him, he already was sat undressed in his sofa at home. Obviously oblivious to what this situation did to me. He came to get me, we stayed anyway. My desire to live was greater than my desire to revenge. But it was odd, this man... what did he mean to me, what did I mean to him?
But something in our minds will always stay
Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetime's argument
That nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could.")
I remember this homeless man, Stefan and I would always give money, a blanket, warm food, hot tea in winter 1 day and always a smile. He watched me crying in the middle of the street and he looked up at me and said, "It is okay, look up, to the sky. It is okay." I will never forget what he gave me when others failed to give me basic dignity.
On another time in a restaurant, I would see M.'s face change as I was listening to him and the waiter came by, at the place he kissed me for the 1st time and as such was an important place for us, and I shifted my attention for a few to the waiter.
At another place, much more expensive this time, I saw the waiter come to us with the bill and I remember smiling and likely shrugging to say I was not the 1 to come to and so he turned to M. and handed it to him instead. M. was furious, how they just presumed he would be the 1 to pay. I was ashamed of that anger and while M. went to the bathroom, got up and paid. I had little money then, not even sure if it was still Stefan's card I was using. Either way, it made M. happy and me very confused.
Both times he kissed me openly in front of everyone afterwards, as I was still trying to get over that odd feeling when you sense aggression and see it in someone's eyes.
See, M. is very volatile at times. He has a temper and is not scared to show it. He has accepted it to be who he is. Short fused. The typical system people adopt to close all doors to change. Because once you state, that is me. That's it. Done. But he is not just that, or I would have left. I guess, I hope.
At some point he was being told by me to leave my home as Stefan was here, he had come to say sorry holding a box of cookies. He gave a nasty remark and I tossed the box at him, never meant to hit him but it did. He turned around and I quickly went inside, shutting the door which he proceeded to push open again. Stefan stood behind me to intervene and I asked him to leave me to this. He obliged. M. was again, furious.
See, I feel M. gets furious due to frustrations and unspoken 1's.
Stefan told me from the get- go that he was frustrated. That I was too hard on him. That he might not be strong enough for me. I never did forget those words. Not meant to undermine a new relationship, rather the words of a man who knew 1st handed how horrible it is to be with me.
Many of these moments, too many, happened for me.
But always came those words and tears of wanting change.
At 1 time it had been months in between them and I thought this was the greatest thing he did for me, change his reactions when angry. But then again, it would all blow up.
Talking to others about this just turned into asking, "What did you do?", forgive, understand, he is trying and all that. No 1 got angry, not a fucking single person wanted to protect me. A. and his eternal need to understand always relating and listening to figure it all out....
Fuck you all... I love you, but fuck you all....
But I loved M. too much, the company, the warmth, his touch, his kisses....
Years I too had had no physical warmth from my relationship and when in the end I wanted, I was turned down. As a kid I was prescribed Serlain and much of my desires went flat-line. As Stefan left me, I left Serlain and they rushed back in. My Ups and Downs happen faster and go higher and lower, but I feel.
"All of Me" is playing...
Anyway... He pushed into my house after being told to get out, coming back in to grab a pair of high heels he had brought with him and to then smash them into the glass doors behind my bed.
He told me once to sit in the bathroom and not get out until he had left. My house... My world.... How could he, he loved me, I loved him. How could someone speak to someone that way. I ignored his order but was shocked. I still am as I type this out.
He got angry and my best little friend who had just had a hip- operation startled and jumped off the bed. I could have murdered him. My own aggression started to resurface. No 1 is allowed to hurt my kittens. I grabbed him, pushed him. Man I hate that side to me...
He pulled down my chair and tried to smash everything to the ground.
He smashed his head back into my frame that has hung above my bed for 20 years, breaking the glass. He did say sorry, quite fast. But every day I see that token of frustration.
Still, he stayed. I let him. He would change.
I would say if he wanted to be with me he needed to get help from a shrink. He remarked that they hadn't helped me, what's the point. Cruel crap to say to someone. Rational people are cruel at times. I will repeat that later.
Then a few weeks ago, to celebrate our 23 months I went to him. I rarely go to his place anymore, many fights happened there. Not a place I am very comfortable at for several reasons. But I went. That didn't work out, I wanted to leave but by the time I had made up my mind cops had passed by once and as there is a CoVid curfew I had to get back as the cops stopped 2nd time around to question me. He did come after me to ask me to get back, well now I had to. I rang the doorbell, he opened and as I went up I was seething. My anger only dissipates as I get to talk about things. But he went to his bed I slept in the sofa. Well, I barely slept. My mind racing and all my own aggression came to play in my mind as I lay there. He never came to see me. I was planning to break things, say things, all the things a stupid angry mind busies itself with. By the time it was morning he stood next to me and I was exploding. Things got out of hand, I saw his face change and did what could only be called a preemptive strike and punched him in the chest. I was stupid, I was wrong, I was angry. Next thing he tells me to get out, grabs me by my hair out of the sofa, crushes my hair- clip and now the rage was unleashed fully. All the anger of the past years came out but also my fear for being beaten by him. I started to dress, not fast enough to his liking as he tossed 1 of my shoes out into the hallway. My OCD had had hours to play around and had made me have to look at things closer to be able to read the text and so as this man was tossing things at my head I had to go fucking stare at book covers and say bye to my plant friend he has.
I might have shifted things around here but he then picked up his phone to get evidence of my rage and started to film me. I wanted to kill him. Still to this day I don't get how someone would be so rational and distant as to do such a thing. He has always had a thing telling me he would call the cops when I raised my voice after he had. Funny how he does the table turning trick, and I let him.
Anyway, this enrages me further and I try to grab the phone out of his hands and after a moment where I try to hide in his kitchen, wanting to crawl into a tiny ball and have it all stop he comes after me and tells me that if I want to go lock myself up in his place I'm very mistaken and I am chased out. I drop to the ground and he keeps filming like a deranged man with no heart and we both end up on the floor fighting and struggling for the phone. Then I feel a kick, that is it... I get up, leaving this place. Crying all the way to the Spotter's Platform, close to my old home. The place we met for the 1st time. The place Stefan gave me that hug that warmed me and made me feel loved while he was really leaving me....
The people I told reacted with the usual, "What did you do?" but also, "Want me to go beat him up?" being busy and not understanding how physical violence affects a person. I was brought up with fights, aggressive outbursts but never physical violence. Stefan tried to call me but I never could pick up. We barely talk anymore, he finds it too hard to do, but it also brought me back to the 1 time I eavesdropped on a phone- call he made late with her, the woman he is with now who had just been beaten by her ex. I could not be that person now.
Everything Zen by Bush:
The days after he came to my house. I could not kiss him anymore. He gave me room.
We tried to continue.
But it happened. Something broke. WHo is to say who is to blame. Both.
I want to mend it.
But 1st I have to mend myself.
He may not wait, I may not either. He says he will. I don't know anything right now.
All I know is how little people seem to care.
That scares me as much as the aggression.
Never saw this coming after I thought he was working at himself.
When I told him, what if I ask you to find help? he replied that he would.
Obviously, he has not. Excuses range from, "They have no been able to help you" to, whatever....
That excuse is cruel in itself to speak out in this context but he never understood that.
The things humans say to eachother. Not truths per se, just cruelty. selfish drivel.
I wonder if we could mend this.
Do I want to?
1st myself. Fuck the rest. I want to stand on my own 2 legs.
Know what it does to your mind when you always need validation from someone for most of what you do and then they do that? When much of what you do is done with telling them about this in mind. Making them notice. Making them proud. Your entire being crumbles, everything crumbles to a pile of crap. I am a pile of crap. Fucking fucking fucking crap!!!!
I, want, to, find, myself!!!!
I want someone so strong around me that I get to punch him and he won't budge, I want someone so soft he catches me always, someone so dark my darkness pales, someone so light my light dims, someone so unselfish that I will ALWAYS be able to count on him, someone so in love he wants to protect me every sec, someone so in love he lets me fall on my face and lets me learn from this, someone so in love he would not imagine himself lifting a finger to me let alone doing so, someone so in love that I am always pretty....
Fucking crap, such a person does NOT exist.
Wake up!!!!
Man, listening to angry music does not help me calm down right now....
You know what else I figured out today?
I like bad boys... I don't like happy perky cheery guys. They need some depth, some damage to them. But they may not hurt me!!!! Snort Coke, steal diamonds, go to strip- clubs, beat up assholes, but love me. Dang, I'm 1 of those....
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