OCD versus Self.

When the issues lift from the relationships my own reveal themselves at full force.

I have long, 3 years now, said that true deep changes are hard to make from within a relationship. 

As a person searching for a mirror in those I meet, I lose myself.

Myself has become such a precarious word to me. As if myself stopped being.

I look for myself in what others reflect back to me. Unable to, or so it seems, to find myself through my own endeavor, my own eyes or feelings. Though some of my core values are not bendable in any way, that which makes up ME, is blurred. Others give me back a clear image but while it is clear it is obviously colored by their own perceptions and as such, clear but not entirely correct.

As I know this I get confused. The more people I speak, the more confused I get.

Those I barely know find me clever, funny, friendly, warm and those that get to know me more see the other side. While it is flattering to hear these compliments they don't ring true and I know they speak from a perspective that is blinding. But those who know me still agree with those few points, just add those layers of darkness that make me feel me, confused but myself.

That is all I know for sure, I exist out of sharp contrasts but blurred nonetheless.

But what I want is to become clear once more. Get back my self, my sense of self. This will never be a 1- sided self, just like it isn't with anyone else either. Though my duality is maybe more pronounced than with most people, it is for me something I have come to accept. But the blurriness, not. Less and less.

This incessant wondering what is me and what is my mental disorder. That drives me crazy.

Not to speak of the fact that I truly am staring to feel at times I might go crazy. Not so much because I got stuck counting or something, but because my brain is losing its coherency and feels like it is falling to pieces. Pieces that won't find a place to make a single self, but rather a very disturbed resemblance of what I used to be in different places. As if shattered, I continue to be, never regaining he peace of knowing at least all those shards belong to the same mind, MySelf. This, this scares me.