I know, some.

Is funny how fast some things fall into place when you are alone.

But I found out I do not want to be in a relationship.

As I enter a relationship my OCD renders me blind to what the other has to offer. All I start to see are the restrictions.

Much as when Stefan used to come home and I used to sigh because once he did, I had to count for 2. Was I happy he was home? Fuck yes. But to me, my work went into double shift, so to speak. That was why I wanted to go out each day if it had been possible while he wanted to come home, be quiet and do nothing most of the time. Later he would say we would go out to the restaurant to avoid the fights we had at home. That was why. I only understood that today, that we both understood we had to go out. Just 1 wanted to more than the other, as it often goes in a relationship without communication that turns into frustrations conflicts. But also, I was not tired after a days hard work, I was finally receiving some oxygen when he entered and we might go out. Fucked up, sorry Stefan....

See, the other person comes to me and wants peace, a break from a workday or week.

For me, that's when work starts.

I have to keep an eye on the other person and make sure I have everything under control.

So do I miss M.?

Fuck yes. His smile, his eyes, his soft touch and hands, having sex, company...

But we barely had any good conversations.

Why?

Not his thing and my OCD makes all conversations contrived in a way.

Isn't it amazing though? Less than 3 months after wanting Stefan to be in my life with a desire that could have burned down the world, I started to date M. A few months later had Stefan wanted to return, I could not have said yes. Right now, I could not say yes to neither of them. I want no relationship. For all involved.

I love the peace that comes with being alone ( I know he will feel the same.), no expectations, not even my own. I don't have to or even want to cook for them, well want yes but have no. I don't have to make anyone feel happy. I don't have to figure out what to do and not do. I don't have to be scared he will get angry or annoyed.

But if he understood all of this. How I'm more appreciative of him when not with him and he could see how much fun we had before OCD and aggression, because we both fucked up the flow of this relationship, we could meet up today. He would be welcome in my bed as he is welcome in my heart and always will be.

Do I still want depth, romance? Fuck yes, again.

Will he ever want to give me that or be able to? I have no clue.

I feel it to be unjust to want something from him he might not want to give or be able to. I want him to be fully loved like Stefan is right now. Fully appreciated because fuck, the men I do fall for are gems. Absolute gems, flaws included. 

If he reads this, he may come to me later. His choice. 

But he has to understand, when Stefan started to walk away from me and we both still felt it was the start of his voyage of independence, I stepped away near to instantly. Because I was scared holding on would make him break with me but also because when I regained my love and desire for him I knew he needed that time and that if I loved him, I had to give it to him.

When I asked M. many times for a break and when he noticed I wanted to find myself, he never did step away until maybe, it was a little too late.

My history with Stefan makes me wonder if this is me breaking with someone or me needing to find myself, I have to be honest. But M. needed me around more than he wanted to see me happy and free. I wanted to see Stefan happy and free more than I needed him around or at least, more than I was scared of the hurt of not having him around.

So M. has to know for sure, if he were to stand at my door, if he is able to see me free.