Numbness' vicious circle.

So I got my money.

But things had not stayed put in the meantime.

Throughout the months that passed more and more of my ex's stuff ends up in boxes, I wonder about every items who should get it. He wants nothing, I don't want to deprive him of his past. He lives at his gf, he couldn't give a fuck about our shared accumulated stuff. He is in love, free of his past of me.

He asked for nothing as he left. He didn't even claim the kittens, or dare to split them up. For us.

 Then all of a sudden, the house I lived in for more than 24 years is going to be sold. 1 morning as I wake up at my new partner I receive a text from my ex, "You have to be packed and move out in 6 weeks." Packed. Move. Gone. I laugh now as I relive this, crazy laughter you see? 

 They expect me to move out instantly. They didn't expect my ex to put up a fight, 1 that is backed up by legal rights. Having rented for so long we have just enrolled into a legal contract for 9 years. Their only legal option is that they get to do is to send a letter you got to sign on arrival and then you have to leave in 6 months. No such letter got sent, but they demand the same outcome as if it had been. Now if you ever moved, you know moving 24 years of stuff is stressful even with time given. They didn't expect us to put up a fight. They push my ex to sign the papers, he refuses. After them wanting to push on and my ex refusing, we or rather he signs the paper which gives me those 6 months to move. 

I have to begin to accept life is filled with cruel people. My coccoon is broken and I have no more shield to hide behind, namely my ex. I have to speak to the people and seems not all people are as nice as my ex and they are Closer to me than I thought. 

as they are pissed at his reluctance to just pack and go they decide to play it dirty. We had a garden; garden, rather large. On the contract it isn't included, it was an oral permission, that lasted 24 years. Bet most of you know that when power shifts hands, things change.

Our garden, the world in which I looked daily, which held a million animals and plants and equally as many memories has to be cleared. As we started our journey in that home, I was able to use the garden and actually, well, garden. I would plant borders, start vegetable patches. Then, I retreated. My connection with my garden happened mostly through the huge windows in my bedroom that lays next to it. A large tree had planted itself there, at a young sapling age it cracked but I refused to take it out. It grew into a majestic tree, growing up diagonally at some point and then straight up to the sky. The kittens, the animals all found refuge or fun in this new friend of mine. It later planted another seed amidst its many roots and soon another friend grew into a majestic giant. Now my ex is told to chop down these green giants. Clear the bushes. True, the garden was wild and according to normal standards overgrown. According to ours, it was free. Nature at its best.

They get annoyed at his refusal to cooperate. I get a call, from the social person person. Seems the people wanting to sell the house went to social services and went to, I don't know... meddle? They felt scared for me, scared I wouldn't be gone in time. But they also let it be known that a container would be set up in front of the house and the entire garden would be cleared. I recall the MCTeam just arriving as I passed them the phone and collapsed.

True to their word, for once, a container was put down and the entire garden erased. Pulled to the garden, flattened... My world, was breaking further and further.... Then they started to burn all the cut off wood, sitting in chair in front of the non-stop fire showing me who was boss. I now looked out and saw 2 people who hated me, burning up 24 years of my life, of nature's life. The terrace was our, legally but they went ahead breaking pots, cutting down trees stood in pots.... Some humans are deeply ugly.

Then my ex was told we could use the container too, then we had to pay along, then it was obvious that trying to rid themselves of their own clutter that was in the apartments above us they had to rent 2 containers. 

One day I stepped outside and all over the steps that lead up to the front-door they had piled up garbage bags. I had to crawl over them. People across the street guessed I had moved, no one would live this way? Right? It was one things after the other. Stacks of glass and plates on the stairs. The container making it impossible for me to re-enter with my bike. Only after people complained about the fire they stopped. All the crap left by previous renters was shoved in our shoes.

The other renters had left leaving crap behind. They never bothered with that and now, they would make sure we wouldn't repeat this. I had to let him in, deeply ashamed of the clutter we had and he got this look in his eyes. I told him, I would leave no clutter behind. For our pride, not their fucking sake.

As the garden was pulled down, life still doesn't stop... after weeks of suffering and then during 1 of my ex's vacation with his new gf, 1 of my kittens leaves this world... barely able to contact him to ask for help in making that horrible decision. She is 1 of the most loving creatures I ever met in my life and she is now, gone....

But tables stood against a wall may still stand right?

 Now it is just my last kitten and me. Just the 2 of us is what I sing for us....

Though my new partner is there with me, needless to say, my recent experience with love and broken hearts makes me less, trusting. I will will never forgot his support though, if just him being there and not judging my sadness.

But my table is already just me balancing on 2 legs. Though I have to move. I have to.