Numbness' vicious circle.

So, here I was. A table. Precariously always built upon others. Alone I was nothing, still am not. 

But wait for it, I am even less now than I was now.

I was no mother, no co- worker, no boss, no person with friends. I did however have no purpose, no sex, no affection... See, I'm 1 of those people who needs constant reminders of who she is by receiving FeedBack from others. Which may be confusing when you get many opinions reflected back at you, but dangerously 1-sided when you live very isolated. I also lose the sense of love, both to and from someone when by myself. As if left on my own devices, I doubt everything and anything.

But I had those 4 pillars...

Then my partner leaves me. Tables keep standing on 3 legs, right? Right!!!

With this started my search for an income and the consequent and consistent declining of 1. You see my ex is still paying all my expenses as some sort of guilt trip I guess. Plus he still has all his stuff stored in the house. Plus he wants a house for the kittens as much as he does for me. 

But the social services tell me I don't get my minimum income because he is paying me. If he doesn't, no house that gets paid. The person who is in charge of my file, is at a loss.

I remember the day I walked into her office. We spoke for an entire hour. I understood little. But as we ended the conversation she said, sorry to be so negative but otherwise you will come back and tell me I fooled you. You are in a mess, a deep mess. I stepped out and likely laughed, it is funny how when I feel extremely sad or confused I will laugh, out loud. Crazy person stuff right?

Never had I had to deal with money, my ex made the money and we spent it together. I knew nothing of bills, expenses, budgets. When I asked to let me help, he would say he wanted to do it himself and be in control. I also just spent like a dumb nut, not knowing how financial matters stood. He did ask me to lessen the expenses but I had discovered I could buy things from the comfort of my bed. I bought some instant gratification. I'm ashamed of this, very. I'm very sorry to him I did this. Though I stopped, I feel really bad about this part of me. 

Back to receiving an income, as a start, I have to prove he no longer lives with me. A person alone receives more and well, I was alone. But I live in a house filled with his clothes, his stuff, his scent, his being. He wanted to take nothing with him and I couldn't put it away. During 1 of the many conversations I spent with Suicide Hotlines,1 of them told me, fill a bag and if it proves too hard put it all back. Anyway, social services have to come and see that I'm indeed alone. So they come to my home, procedure they have to follow. Rules are for machines, browsers, coders.... Prying eyes, opening of doors I never gave permission for. No cop could get away with this, social services do. Besides, I have had to live with the knowledge my partner now lives with another woman, living it up and being in love while I'm having to explain I'm alone. Fuck, I have to accept he is away with her and I have to justify myself?

Now all of a sudden I get told that I have to go make my case in front of a board of 9 politicians. Make a plea, a plea for why I should get this minimum amount of money. Let's not forget that I'm a person who has sat for years on end in her room, in her bed, with her kittens, in a lulled state of security. I have to go speak up. For myself. Now a bunch of strangers get to decide if I will receive a minimum amount of money, supposedly each Belgian has the right to ask. The plea was heard. They felt for me. They feel I should get the money, but it was made clear I wouldn't.

I was in a headlock. A new road I never had wanted to take, had to be taken. That of asking for money because I'm handicapped.... Wonderful writing this down. Does wonders for my self-esteem. I laugh, out loud... but no, I ain't proud.... With the recommendation of a shrink I head to this person who will decide. My ex brings me. I explain. She turns out to be golden. She has an affinity with mental issues, understands mine and makes sure my score is high enough for me to have an income higher than that minimum I was begging for. 

Now, now I'm seeing everyone who works as the person who pays me. Not to mention that in the midst of CoVid people are losing their jobs and I have a steady income, at least for 3 years. I feel guilty. I feel people have a right to scream at me, saying I don't deserve to buy anything with THEIR money. But as the parking sign for handicapped people goes, "If you want my place, then take on my handicap too."

I get reminded daily why I get paid. But it doesn't make me less ashamed. Stressed too, in 2 years I have to go back.

Money may not buy happiness, it fucking buys safety and let anyone tell me that doesn't matter. I even begged strangers for money to buy the house we had bought. Though some generous souls gave me money I feel I never deserved, I could not even pay 2 months rent. No, not ungrateful. My gratitude is huge. I won't touch that money for anything other than 1 day buy a home. Back then the plea included my kittens...

My kittens, my loves, my best little friends, my happiness....