I am confused.
Confused by the time-line. The time it all started.
I see the time I started to write these things down. How it started 9 months before January.
But it still confuses me, trying to figure out when exactly he left me.
When did he leave me?
I guess I know why he did.
But now, now we are almost a year on. Well, not really.
But it feels like a lifetime ago.
Such sadness.
Such chaos.
Such loss.
All in a years worth.
Never could I have guessed life could be this confusing, never.
Never would I have guessed I could feel such intense sadness.
Never in a million years, had someone told me what would happen in my relationship and the repurcusions of this, would I have guessed I would still be around to type today.
Today, Stefan has still left me.
He however is now on a temporary pause with his gf and is living at his mother and father.
He is living closer to me than he has in the past year, in distance at least.
Yet he never has been this distant, maybe he has... Maybe those first months of when he was in love with life and then someone else, maybe 1 and the same thing, did he feel even more distant.
I just reread some of my posts. Uncomfortable but they seem like both a lifetime ago or a day, a week or a month ago.
Life is bizar, the passage of time even more so.
Now I am living alone with 1 of my kittens, sadly I had to let go of the other. Stefan and I had to let go of her and he doesn't even have the luxury of being with them, nor with him the kitten remaining now.
I would like to find solutions to his problems.
But this has been a year of trying hard to find solutions for myself.
Stefan still pays for me.
But this will soon end.
There have been crazy times. Absolutely crazy times.
In 3 months time, less, I have to move out of this home, this house, this world in which I lived for the past 24 years.
Crazy stuff...
I don't know how to do any of this. But I am having to. Just as when he left me, I had no idea how to do this, but I did. Not sure how good I did things, but I did.
Then there are things I didn't do.
How will I do them soon. Letting go of the past. Building a new life.
My present, I find it scary.
Now Stefan is as down as I have known to be and I am no longer allowed to help him.
Not even sure if I could.
But I badly want to, very badly...
I love him, still and still always will. I know this, for sure. Not so sure if we could be together again, though I admittedly have wondered.
I want him to be happy, that is all...
I so fucking badly want him to be happy....
I want to be free though, free to feel happy also.
But it is hard.
Hard to let him go, to let us go.
I miss them, so much... I miss us....
Confused by the time-line. The time it all started.
I see the time I started to write these things down. How it started 9 months before January.
But it still confuses me, trying to figure out when exactly he left me.
When did he leave me?
I guess I know why he did.
But now, now we are almost a year on. Well, not really.
But it feels like a lifetime ago.
Such sadness.
Such chaos.
Such loss.
All in a years worth.
Never could I have guessed life could be this confusing, never.
Never would I have guessed I could feel such intense sadness.
Never in a million years, had someone told me what would happen in my relationship and the repurcusions of this, would I have guessed I would still be around to type today.
Today, Stefan has still left me.
He however is now on a temporary pause with his gf and is living at his mother and father.
He is living closer to me than he has in the past year, in distance at least.
Yet he never has been this distant, maybe he has... Maybe those first months of when he was in love with life and then someone else, maybe 1 and the same thing, did he feel even more distant.
I just reread some of my posts. Uncomfortable but they seem like both a lifetime ago or a day, a week or a month ago.
Life is bizar, the passage of time even more so.
Now I am living alone with 1 of my kittens, sadly I had to let go of the other. Stefan and I had to let go of her and he doesn't even have the luxury of being with them, nor with him the kitten remaining now.
I would like to find solutions to his problems.
But this has been a year of trying hard to find solutions for myself.
Stefan still pays for me.
But this will soon end.
There have been crazy times. Absolutely crazy times.
In 3 months time, less, I have to move out of this home, this house, this world in which I lived for the past 24 years.
Crazy stuff...
I don't know how to do any of this. But I am having to. Just as when he left me, I had no idea how to do this, but I did. Not sure how good I did things, but I did.
Then there are things I didn't do.
How will I do them soon. Letting go of the past. Building a new life.
My present, I find it scary.
Now Stefan is as down as I have known to be and I am no longer allowed to help him.
Not even sure if I could.
But I badly want to, very badly...
I love him, still and still always will. I know this, for sure. Not so sure if we could be together again, though I admittedly have wondered.
I want him to be happy, that is all...
I so fucking badly want him to be happy....
I want to be free though, free to feel happy also.
But it is hard.
Hard to let him go, to let us go.
I miss them, so much... I miss us....
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