When you do.

-
I spent years failing because I didn't do.
Now I do and I fail.
Which failing weigh most?

Now I listen to music. Hurts? Yes.
Jeremy spoke in class today.
But I live.

I dance while I listen to Take on me from A-ha.
Hurts? Yes.
Take me on.
But I live.

I create another graphic for an online store.
But I don't make a single true sale.
Hurts? Yes.
But I live.

So what do you do in life?
Sit and plan and imagine the things you will do. Safe and hidden from the failure that is attached to every possible endeavour a human makes. No failing, not true falling on your face and wondering what you could have done differently.
Yes. Go ahead, piss away your life. At 45 you will look back and realize you didn't fail by doing, you failed by not doing. But you didn't get a life lesson that got you to get back up and made ya any the wiser.

So yeah, I do and I don't seem to get anywhere. Why? Because to get anywhere effort has to be made. Doesn't matter what you want to achieve, some sweat has to pearl down your back.
It is how you learn. It is how you become more than you were the day before you did.
So I didn't do this for so many years and now I realize that my issue is still the same, I have no discipline. I used this for not doing. I use this now for wondering if I should keep doing.
We humans find millions of reasons to stay put and not change.
To stay dry and safe under the roof of avoidance.

What will I do?
Learn? Fall and learn? Learn and to realize I still fall?
But keep going? No idea.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Numbness' vicious circle.

-
I have taken anti-depressants for many years. What they don't tell you is how it lowers your libido. How it numbs your feelings. So why would I cheat in an online way, aside from the time the guy came to meet me here and I went too far, yet not all the way. I looked for kicks. Anti-depressants make you numb, only kicks get you to feel alive. I did try to stop taking them often but always got suicidal when I did.
Read more

Time stopped...

-
Everything around me stayed the same... His clothes, his stuff... Years have been spent with me here alone, waiting for him to come home. How annoyed I was when he would come later and later... Then he would go for long walks, 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours... Whatever time he would come home he would go for those walks, always alone. I am used to sitting here in the dark. His entrance being my oxygen. I would start talking talking talking and all he wanted was silence. For no 1 to be there to annoy him. But I always was. Always awaiting him... Some want that, not him. I was nothing of what he wanted. I see that now. I regret being myself. I regret my choices. I regret my blindness... Hindsight, 20/20. Easy to see. I need my oxygen... He needs his alone time. I want no more time alone... I want no more time alone please...
Read more

An actual Pause.

-
I would have loved to hand him a remote that had a Pause Button on it. Here, push it I would tell him. Push it and enjoy your break. But don't forget to push Play when you want to come back to me. But don't just press Stop... When I went away by myself for a few days I bought 2 little clay birds. They are whistles. One for him and one for me. Blow this whistle the day you feel your love for me return I said. They stand beak to beak on top of a frame in the kitchen. One will remain silent and the other will await its call forever. Breaking them would make it easier... Why do people press Stop so easily? Because pushing Pause takes more work.
Read more