Those wonderful dark woods.
I found the little spot by walking off the beaten path and seeing a tree lay down. It was felled and it had a label on it to say which tree is was. A plastic strip with its "name" on slammed into it with 2 nails. I saw the name and realized it was a tree he likes.
So both to get it for him and to free the tree I tried to pry it off.
But I only succeeded in getting off most of the plastic, the nails I could not get out.
Then I sat down on the tree and looked down. I had come to the woods to find some water to lay in. Suicide.
Behold, lower down there was some water and as I walked down I saw a tree with a birdfeeding ball in it and some tracks.
What a wonderful place. From this place I called him and ended up meeting up with him later.
Now, a month and some after this, I went back to this place.
The CD in the car had just released a stream of daggers to my heart and the woods now called me for calmth and for suicide.
At home I found out hypothermia works very fast when it is below freezing. So I bought a water barrel, filled it during 2 days ( he had taken away the hose) and watched the temperature each day.
It froze solid, I was too afraid.
It melted some, I was too afraid.
It snowed, I was too afraid.
But so I went back to my first choice of place of water, that extra lovely part of the woods.
Amazingly, though it is no longer freezing, the water still had a layer of ice on it. A hole was made by some people. Little birds flying like crazy to drink from the melted parts under some overhanging branches. I hung up the bird feeding balls (from which one ate while I was there) and I waited.
I wrote down some important information and waited some more.
Nature calms me down.
I went for a short walk in which I gave myself a pep-talk of how I would never have kids, never have old love and never have him to love me anymore. So why stay?
I have come to accept it more and more he won't ever love me anymore. He has almost barked at me "do you understand it now?" when I wouldn't accept his decision or could rather, not understand it.
When I spoke of being in denial, a normal part of this he would ask "How long will that take?"
I didn't know, we are all different...
But it took a while.
I feel now, I am no longer fully in denial and it is harder to take.
Now is it letting go, accepting, a whole new type of pain...
Today I woke up... I had dreamt I called his work and some guy picked up and said: "Ahhh, you are his Sofie?" I simply said yes to this and he handed me him. When I confronted him about her he said yes, in his usual lying way. When I know he isn't telling the whole truth to not have to deal with the whole reaction.
I asked if they had had sex, and I received a dodgy reply and then he admitted that next time they met up they would have sex.
I flipped. Now he was able to, with me he couldn't even get enough desire going to make it happen the last 2 times we tried.
Then I woke up...
I know, I do not want this added to the hurt I already feel each day. I don't.
He is the man I want to be with, he is the man I love. I didn't choose it to be this way but it is. For him to desire other women and have sex with them... and eventually fall in love with them is beyond my ability to deal with.
Not sure how others do this, other than that they have friends, kids, work, distraction, some self-love or some appreciation for who they are. But without those things...
He told me yesterday, I will call back later. I was driving home then, and had stopped to call him. Why would you call back I asked and he didn't know. I said I want you to call me when you want to, none of that I feel sorry for you shit. What happened? He didn't call.
Funny, right? Not at all...
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