Sometimes I wonder...

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This is hurt in one of its most distilled forms placed into a song, to forever reach my heart without any resistance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytNR7HMVQtE&list=RDytNR7HMVQtE&start_radio=1&t=202

I listened to this song when I was young and I would cry. No idea how good my English was back then, but I understood. Her words, he message, I don't know... But it reached my then still young essence. I must have already had a good taste of sadness, even at that young age.

I feel guilty when I see myself young, I want to hug her so badly... Not sure why this life is so cruel in its most simple ways at times. If only I could have been there for her, for that younger version of me. If only I could tell her to find strenght in herself, to be confident, to love herself... But I wasn't there... and this broken kid haunts me to this day. How do you comfort this part of yourself? How do you mend it? How do you undo all this shit that has made it hide from a world she could not understand or take on her on.

I often thought of this song and today I looked for it. Ready to feel the hurt rip my heart to pieces... I was not dissapointed.
So often did the words: "Sometimes I wonder..." run through my head and heart... now they found their owner back. I forgot what a lovely little girl she is, and she reminds me some of what I looked like then. Yes, when I was younger I was lovely like her.
Then life happened and all appreciation for who I am left me...

"Sometimes I wonder where I've been Who I am, do I fit in."
I never fit in and likely, I never will...
I am tired of feeling sadness, hurt, loneliness...
More than ever, I feel like that hurt kid again and I want to feel loved...

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