Lonely.
I had felt like I had to not talk to him for some time. To settle things down in my head. But now it feels like he is pushing me away and it hurts. Today, like I said in my previous post, I have felt very much like he is hiding something from me.
While I understand I have in part created a partner who had to lie to me, he also choose to do so.
Not sure if he is just someone who likes to lie, because he does so with other people too but for someone like me who always wants to understand these lies drive me crazy.
Though I asked him a week or so ago to never lie to me anymore, it seems like I don't feel able to trust that he indeed won't. Not even as a friend.
But the way he has been acting, it feels like he doesn't even want to be friends right now.
The past few days I woke up with less of a racing heart than before. But I feel much more sadness in the acceptance, or partly acceptance of him no longer wanting to be with me.
What is also pushing me down and giving me heart racings during the day today is the vastness of the loneliness.
My word, I have said before that being lonely is lowering your self-esteem and your sense of being a human but shit... This is getting harder. In part because my "friend" and I don't get along anymore. I tried to call earlier to talk about how I was feeling, anxious and nervous that my actual best friend was telling me lies. But I couldn't talk... I could physically not start talking. I was blocked.
My despair in needing someone to talk to who understands my entire situation is intense but seemingly my reluctance to still be friends with the single one person who fits this description is even more intense. So now, I am truly alone.
The man I love wants less and less time with me and does not need or miss me in the slightest and I, I sit alone. I feel astranged from all other people and do not know what to do anymore.
Suicide is become increasingly so of a more rational choice.
Do I want to suicide? No.
Do I want to live this life without his love? No, even less.
That is the part no one seems to get. I no longer feel loved and get loved. I hunger for him to touch me. I had yet another dream about him, this time he was walking behind me and in a joking fun manner he grabbed my butt with both hands. The normalcy, the playfulness, the simplicity of this action was wonderful. But it is like my heart is starting to crave him more and more, my soul is and my body is. With every desire towards him that I feel, I feel his desire to move away from me.
That, that to me is too hard to take.
I want him to love me.
I want him to want me.
I want him to desire me.
I want him to want to be around me.
I want his hand in mine.
I want his eyes in mine.
I want his arms around me.
I want his body against me.
I want him around me.
I want no substitute.
I want him.
Not because I know only him, because I only love him.
Fucking fuck...
Why did it not turn out differently? Why didn't it not turn out for instance that I realized how much I was using him all this time. How much I needed him for the practical side. Why could it not have been that I was pretending to be in love with him to get safety?
No, I had to fucking realize more and more how much I like and love him. To wake up to all the things I love about him... ALL THE WHILE he is waking up to how little he actually likes and loves me.
He is realizing each day that he does NOT need me, that he does NOT miss me, that he does NOT need to hear me to feel happy or does NOT have to see or feel me to feel happier at the very least...
While I understand I have in part created a partner who had to lie to me, he also choose to do so.
Not sure if he is just someone who likes to lie, because he does so with other people too but for someone like me who always wants to understand these lies drive me crazy.
Though I asked him a week or so ago to never lie to me anymore, it seems like I don't feel able to trust that he indeed won't. Not even as a friend.
But the way he has been acting, it feels like he doesn't even want to be friends right now.
The past few days I woke up with less of a racing heart than before. But I feel much more sadness in the acceptance, or partly acceptance of him no longer wanting to be with me.
What is also pushing me down and giving me heart racings during the day today is the vastness of the loneliness.
My word, I have said before that being lonely is lowering your self-esteem and your sense of being a human but shit... This is getting harder. In part because my "friend" and I don't get along anymore. I tried to call earlier to talk about how I was feeling, anxious and nervous that my actual best friend was telling me lies. But I couldn't talk... I could physically not start talking. I was blocked.
My despair in needing someone to talk to who understands my entire situation is intense but seemingly my reluctance to still be friends with the single one person who fits this description is even more intense. So now, I am truly alone.
The man I love wants less and less time with me and does not need or miss me in the slightest and I, I sit alone. I feel astranged from all other people and do not know what to do anymore.
Suicide is become increasingly so of a more rational choice.
Do I want to suicide? No.
Do I want to live this life without his love? No, even less.
That is the part no one seems to get. I no longer feel loved and get loved. I hunger for him to touch me. I had yet another dream about him, this time he was walking behind me and in a joking fun manner he grabbed my butt with both hands. The normalcy, the playfulness, the simplicity of this action was wonderful. But it is like my heart is starting to crave him more and more, my soul is and my body is. With every desire towards him that I feel, I feel his desire to move away from me.
That, that to me is too hard to take.
I want him to love me.
I want him to want me.
I want him to desire me.
I want him to want to be around me.
I want his hand in mine.
I want his eyes in mine.
I want his arms around me.
I want his body against me.
I want him around me.
I want no substitute.
I want him.
Not because I know only him, because I only love him.
Fucking fuck...
Why did it not turn out differently? Why didn't it not turn out for instance that I realized how much I was using him all this time. How much I needed him for the practical side. Why could it not have been that I was pretending to be in love with him to get safety?
No, I had to fucking realize more and more how much I like and love him. To wake up to all the things I love about him... ALL THE WHILE he is waking up to how little he actually likes and loves me.
He is realizing each day that he does NOT need me, that he does NOT miss me, that he does NOT need to hear me to feel happy or does NOT have to see or feel me to feel happier at the very least...
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