In the woods of the past.
Initially I wanted to go out for dinner, by myself. But when I put on the CD in the car of Jack Jones something snapped inside of me. I was teleported to a happy time when we would go off to the capital for dinner at our favourite restaurant. The music is happy, light, carefree and suddenly those times seemed all too ideally the same.
The weather was warm and we would listen time and time again to the same songs and both enjoy their happiness... windows open and yeah, all seemed perfect, to me.......
This is the same period that he now looks back on, the period for him drenched in doubt and questions, a period in which I did indeed give much criticism. Yes there was frustration and irritation. But for me it was just a period.
I wanted to write just now that for me, suddenly I was filled with annoyances about tiny little habits of his. But I just realized, it could not have just been me. I was picking up on something in him... his doubts.
My criticism was about stupid shallow stuff, how he drove like a macho, fast and aggressive and how it would scare me and I wanted him to slow down. "When I drive, I drive".
How he should use his blinkers, or not pass left, or not do this and that...
"When I drive I drive"
An old pet peeve of mine, how he would smack while using chewing gum, or ate or drank.
When he is stressed and annoyed he does so doubly.
How when he was at the restaurant he would sit there with his legs stretched out and arms spread open onto chairs next to him - unoccupied of course- or on the tables next to us.
He looked like such a dominant male and I didn't like that.
Then he started to fall asleep after dinner. Or while I was talking at home, time and time again.
Or he would be so nice, as usual, to park the car and so I would go in to get us a seat and I would wait at times 30 minutes for him to come back. At first I knew it was just hard to find a parking space, then it started that when he went to get the car so that I would not have to walk all the way back with him (still love him for that) he would suddenly disappear for 45 minutes.
I would be in the middle of night in the capital, the people at the restaurant are "friends" but they are mostly busy amongst themselves when it closes and they have their meal together.
I would sit there as a semi-stranger, waiting for someone who I couldn't call because I had no phone on me. ^My dependence on him hit me in the face as I stepped out to look for him but did not dare stray off too much because the place is not that safe in the dark.
Finally he would turn up, "I was in a call" "You have friends there" "I met someone and had a talk".
I couldn't believe my eyes that such a sensitive guy would turn so insensitive.
How he could not care about my being without phone and money in the middle of the night with no way of returning home or no way to find a solution to not knowing what he was doing.
We are not talking about 15 minutes, we are talking about 45 minutes and more. Even some bars closed by the time he got back.
Once I ran around and he had come back into the restaurant and so he ran around and we met back up at the car (I did not always know the place of the car as he parked it by himself).
He would be so naively surprised at my being upset and angry...
Then came his long walks alone at night when he would get home.
My other frustration was with him coming home at 8 at times.
I saw less and less of him and now I understand why. He made it happen this way, he wanted it so.
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