I was stupid, again.

When we had spoken last, Wednesday evening, things had seemed so pleasant, almost. We spoke in a more relaxed manner on the phone and I enjoyed hearing him.
I realized that day he left me also much due to my OCD and I had gone to see my coach that day who worked on my OCD.

While talking about how OCD had made him decide to leave me, in part, I could not help but start wondering what it would mean if I could deal with the OCD.
When I tell him I would go through fire for him yet fail to go through dealing with OCD, I also wonder... If I love this man so deeply and yet am unable to work at my OCD, how could I ever be free from this mental issue? If I am unable to find motivation in him, us and the kittens, what could give me more motivation than that?
So I wondered also about what if I did succeed? I asked him, who knows we could be together again. Not right now, for we both have much work to do, but some day.
He said, "you never know"
But as he has told me he lies at the speed of light, was he telling me more lies?
Does he have anything left in him that would want to be with me even without OCD?

For a few, I thought yes. Now, after having heard him for a few today, I say no.
He is hiding something from me... He was being shifty and when he is shifty he is hiding things.
He said he wouldn't come by today, he would come by on Monday.
I asked why? Had I done something wrong? Did he have to tell me something?
He said he wasn't feeling okay, in his head. He didn't want to.
Why would he not see the kittens though?
There is something going on and I don't know what...
He is hiding something from me and/or hiding from me.
Like he is pushing close the door that showed any opening to a possible "us"

Yes, I read too much in stupid things but that is what people do who love someone who left them.
I don't have to be judged for being hopeful or for looking forward to even little interactions. Is it realistic? I don't know... But it is the way it is. Him or anyone telling me I do wrong in wanting to be with him forgets the fact I just love him.
Could I be with him right now? No, not the part of me that wants to change. The part that just wants safety would run to him in a second and get back together. But that other part of me has to be alone for some time still...

But he... does he even wonder about an "us" anymore? I know he is scared of saying anything that would make me hope he wants to come back, so I know he wouldn't even tell me if he at times wondered what it would be like to be together without OCD.
Who knows, maybe he has started a relationship with his good friend, the woman he is still living with. I told him he would end up living there until he moved to the new house. He said he wouldn't. I hate being right about such things, it was so blatantly obvious he would stay there though...

No... he has no time and love for me anymore to even want an "us" in the best way possible.
Is not about not trusting we could do this.
Is not about him wanting to find himself.
This is about him not wanting to find me...
Proof is, he has yet to read a single line I have written here. A stranger will sooner happen upon this Blog than he who receives the invitation to read it. He wants nothing to do with my thoughts, he wants me to go away so he gets to be alone...
I stand in the way.
I guess, in a way, I have long done so...