I try so hard...

-
I try so hard and not a person who acknowledges it.
Not a person who sees what I did do.
All that will be left is what I didn't...

I look for houses and drag down the price to 750, already much more than I have.
But there are no results.
When I was looking months ago some houses came up and I thought then it was a slow period. It would pick up. I would have more choice soon...
Instead there is nothing. I thought it was a glitch on the site, but it is true for all 3 main sites.

I reach out to people for help, for guidance, for mentorship.
But there is only so much a person gets to do without doing it for you.
Apparently I don't get to do shit for myself.

I did so try... I know he will say I have not, but I have...
Truly I have tried.
Housing is a mess.
Jobs don't want a 45 year old with no experience.
Online job ideas require a person more talented and skilled than me.
This world demands you to have money and talent. I have neither.

I do not know how people do it... living. I do not understand.
My desire to stop is increasing each day and I had not seen that coming.
I had expected the pain to increase and thus my feelings of suicide. But not that I would end up trying to open so many doors and either finding them locked or closing right back in my face.
It is like the Universe is telling me this is not my place, this is not my world. Something I have been saying for such a long time.
Maybe that is just the lesson I have to learn.
This is not my world...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Numbness' vicious circle.

-
I have taken anti-depressants for many years. What they don't tell you is how it lowers your libido. How it numbs your feelings. So why would I cheat in an online way, aside from the time the guy came to meet me here and I went too far, yet not all the way. I looked for kicks. Anti-depressants make you numb, only kicks get you to feel alive. I did try to stop taking them often but always got suicidal when I did.
Read more

Time stopped...

-
Everything around me stayed the same... His clothes, his stuff... Years have been spent with me here alone, waiting for him to come home. How annoyed I was when he would come later and later... Then he would go for long walks, 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours... Whatever time he would come home he would go for those walks, always alone. I am used to sitting here in the dark. His entrance being my oxygen. I would start talking talking talking and all he wanted was silence. For no 1 to be there to annoy him. But I always was. Always awaiting him... Some want that, not him. I was nothing of what he wanted. I see that now. I regret being myself. I regret my choices. I regret my blindness... Hindsight, 20/20. Easy to see. I need my oxygen... He needs his alone time. I want no more time alone... I want no more time alone please...
Read more

An actual Pause.

-
I would have loved to hand him a remote that had a Pause Button on it. Here, push it I would tell him. Push it and enjoy your break. But don't forget to push Play when you want to come back to me. But don't just press Stop... When I went away by myself for a few days I bought 2 little clay birds. They are whistles. One for him and one for me. Blow this whistle the day you feel your love for me return I said. They stand beak to beak on top of a frame in the kitchen. One will remain silent and the other will await its call forever. Breaking them would make it easier... Why do people press Stop so easily? Because pushing Pause takes more work.
Read more