I thought love was all that mattered... Naive little person...
Let it be known love to me is most important. I would rather live in a box with him and the kittens than alone in a mansion. Let that be known as the truth, what follows is the realization he is NOT wanting to be my partner anymore and I am brokenhearted.
I soon will have little or no money for the 1st time in my life.
I have gone from a relationship in which my partner provided me with everything. He may not have been able to fix my OCD or my Depression, he was able to give me a cocoon of love and safety.
Never did it cross my mind he would leave me, never.
I wondered about his love for me at times, but even then it was often because I was feeling down about myself.
Now the truth is staring me in the face and I don't want to stare back.
But still, I will forever be grateful for this love. This safety was amazing.
His ability to never judge me, until this year, was so wonderful to me. I never felt like I took his money, like I owed him anything for it, never felt ugly to him, never felt unsexy, never felt a burden...
My word, little did I understand...
How ridicule I feel now is amazing too.
Never thought that same man who gave me comfort is now murdering my heart and soul each day...
He is entitled to walk away, let me just add this before anyone feels I am stupid.
But the way he is doing so, does hurt. Are there ways to be ditched that don't hurt? Yeah, when you both agree but then it is not really being ditched...
So now I come to realize that this world is catered to people with families and kids and couples.
I sit here looking for ways to get bargains on food and I find that 95% of the offers are for 2 or more people. So either you are a couple or have loads of friends. Ha, I have neither.
Aren't the people needing coupons and discounts ALSO singles?
In my country we get a fixed amount when you are incapable of working due to mental issues. That minimum income will be hard. He is willing to pay an extra amount, which he is very generous to do. But a part of me says, "he is doing this because he feels guilty".
True he has created the fucked up position I am in now. As in he and I created a situation in which I got to become 95% dependent upon him. Though the past months have showed me that I Am able to do much more than I thought, I also realize I am still using his card.
Why? Because for as long as he lives here, not that he is actually here often, tells my government I get not a single dime. Not a dime. If today he decides he will not pay for my food, I have no money. At all, not a little, NO money.
So if he pays a monthly amount to get me to be able to rent a better home (been looking for months and no home in my area with a garden to be found) that is nice of him, but I will be dependent on his generosity. He so often tells me he has issues with feeling responsible for me. What is this stops in say, a year's time? I move out? Or what if he has a new girlfriend who tells him he is crazy to pay his ex? I move out?
I never ever knew money to be such an important fucked up part of life. Never thought my suicidal tendencies would be partly due to my new life's standard of living.
Do I sound spoiled? Sure.
Are my mental problems part of my high demands. YES.
That I won't be able to just buy a phone, or clothes the way I have been used to sucks, but is fine in some ways. We all should learn to manage money.
But we have no kids, no travel plans so we always had a little extra.
He is the type of guy who doesn't know the price of shit because he just picks up what he likes.
He would tell me he is scared of social buildings and poor people because he found it scary that he might end up this way.
No, he won't. He has a mom and dad that always helped him, read us, and he will never be in financial troubles.
But I will. I will be that person he looks at with apprehension.
I will live in a place I never ever thought I would end up in.
I will be that person he dislikes for showing him what poverty is. LOVELY!!!
Yes, I feel angry.
He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. He got me used to this way of living and now it stops. Is he responsible for my new life? No.
Does it suck? Yes.
People judge those who want money, but when you are heartbroken you need a nest to feel safe in. That nest requires you to have money.
Never thought money was that important... I sound like a privileged bitch but you know what, at my age it will be hard to adjust. How do I do this?
Plus I have a love for things of quality and of beauty. Not just a love, I am addicted to that. Those things make me happy. Not as a snob, just as a desire in my heart and soul. I always been known for not expensive but classy taste. Not to show off to anyone, I don't give a shit about brands but about quality. I even dislike the flashy expensive brands...
But I love design, I love my art supplies to be good, though I will equally draw and paint on cardboard and paper. I guess I like to have the choice.
I always liked pretty things and quality things and at 45 that is almost what most people have learned to love. I just always loved those even though I was never wealthy.
I do want to say I didn't go shop often. I am very much isolated. Also I do shop at thrift stores because quality and class are buyable at reasonable prices.
Though he hates them, they smell bad, full of poor people that remind him what it is like to be poor.
But I love to enter Design store, as in design goodies not clothes. or just a few stores filled with those nice clothes :). Yeah, save up he says, the same man who doesn't know the price of anything.
I want my art materials to be good.
I want clothes to be good.
I want my food to be good.
Another thing, food. I like organically produced foods.
Good food, great taste.
Good restaurants, basic but good food.
All gone from the list of things I had access to.
Plus expensive often is pretty. Snobbish statement but true nonetheless.
He also made me feel guilty and judged all who buy at cheap stores. Why? Because their products often do pollute the world around us more. Child labor is more often used. I know this...
Each time I fall for a cheap item I do feel some guilt.
I love nature. I love justice.
But when you don't have money... you get to either save up or buy cheap.
Some people don't even get to save up.
Not to mention that by the time you saved up enough money the item is most likely gone for we thrive on new trends every fucking week or so, something I hate.
I never wanted to become an outcast...
What if I do?
He sits in the house he bought for us and making loads of money, dating anything and everyhting that moves that he likes...
I soon will have little or no money for the 1st time in my life.
I have gone from a relationship in which my partner provided me with everything. He may not have been able to fix my OCD or my Depression, he was able to give me a cocoon of love and safety.
Never did it cross my mind he would leave me, never.
I wondered about his love for me at times, but even then it was often because I was feeling down about myself.
Now the truth is staring me in the face and I don't want to stare back.
But still, I will forever be grateful for this love. This safety was amazing.
His ability to never judge me, until this year, was so wonderful to me. I never felt like I took his money, like I owed him anything for it, never felt ugly to him, never felt unsexy, never felt a burden...
My word, little did I understand...
How ridicule I feel now is amazing too.
Never thought that same man who gave me comfort is now murdering my heart and soul each day...
He is entitled to walk away, let me just add this before anyone feels I am stupid.
But the way he is doing so, does hurt. Are there ways to be ditched that don't hurt? Yeah, when you both agree but then it is not really being ditched...
So now I come to realize that this world is catered to people with families and kids and couples.
I sit here looking for ways to get bargains on food and I find that 95% of the offers are for 2 or more people. So either you are a couple or have loads of friends. Ha, I have neither.
Aren't the people needing coupons and discounts ALSO singles?
In my country we get a fixed amount when you are incapable of working due to mental issues. That minimum income will be hard. He is willing to pay an extra amount, which he is very generous to do. But a part of me says, "he is doing this because he feels guilty".
True he has created the fucked up position I am in now. As in he and I created a situation in which I got to become 95% dependent upon him. Though the past months have showed me that I Am able to do much more than I thought, I also realize I am still using his card.
Why? Because for as long as he lives here, not that he is actually here often, tells my government I get not a single dime. Not a dime. If today he decides he will not pay for my food, I have no money. At all, not a little, NO money.
So if he pays a monthly amount to get me to be able to rent a better home (been looking for months and no home in my area with a garden to be found) that is nice of him, but I will be dependent on his generosity. He so often tells me he has issues with feeling responsible for me. What is this stops in say, a year's time? I move out? Or what if he has a new girlfriend who tells him he is crazy to pay his ex? I move out?
I never ever knew money to be such an important fucked up part of life. Never thought my suicidal tendencies would be partly due to my new life's standard of living.
Do I sound spoiled? Sure.
Are my mental problems part of my high demands. YES.
That I won't be able to just buy a phone, or clothes the way I have been used to sucks, but is fine in some ways. We all should learn to manage money.
But we have no kids, no travel plans so we always had a little extra.
He is the type of guy who doesn't know the price of shit because he just picks up what he likes.
He would tell me he is scared of social buildings and poor people because he found it scary that he might end up this way.
No, he won't. He has a mom and dad that always helped him, read us, and he will never be in financial troubles.
But I will. I will be that person he looks at with apprehension.
I will live in a place I never ever thought I would end up in.
I will be that person he dislikes for showing him what poverty is. LOVELY!!!
Yes, I feel angry.
He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. He got me used to this way of living and now it stops. Is he responsible for my new life? No.
Does it suck? Yes.
People judge those who want money, but when you are heartbroken you need a nest to feel safe in. That nest requires you to have money.
Never thought money was that important... I sound like a privileged bitch but you know what, at my age it will be hard to adjust. How do I do this?
Plus I have a love for things of quality and of beauty. Not just a love, I am addicted to that. Those things make me happy. Not as a snob, just as a desire in my heart and soul. I always been known for not expensive but classy taste. Not to show off to anyone, I don't give a shit about brands but about quality. I even dislike the flashy expensive brands...
But I love design, I love my art supplies to be good, though I will equally draw and paint on cardboard and paper. I guess I like to have the choice.
I always liked pretty things and quality things and at 45 that is almost what most people have learned to love. I just always loved those even though I was never wealthy.
I do want to say I didn't go shop often. I am very much isolated. Also I do shop at thrift stores because quality and class are buyable at reasonable prices.
Though he hates them, they smell bad, full of poor people that remind him what it is like to be poor.
But I love to enter Design store, as in design goodies not clothes. or just a few stores filled with those nice clothes :). Yeah, save up he says, the same man who doesn't know the price of anything.
I want my art materials to be good.
I want clothes to be good.
I want my food to be good.
Another thing, food. I like organically produced foods.
Good food, great taste.
Good restaurants, basic but good food.
All gone from the list of things I had access to.
Plus expensive often is pretty. Snobbish statement but true nonetheless.
He also made me feel guilty and judged all who buy at cheap stores. Why? Because their products often do pollute the world around us more. Child labor is more often used. I know this...
Each time I fall for a cheap item I do feel some guilt.
I love nature. I love justice.
But when you don't have money... you get to either save up or buy cheap.
Some people don't even get to save up.
Not to mention that by the time you saved up enough money the item is most likely gone for we thrive on new trends every fucking week or so, something I hate.
I never wanted to become an outcast...
What if I do?
He sits in the house he bought for us and making loads of money, dating anything and everyhting that moves that he likes...
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