Householding is hard work.
Never knew so much work went into keeping a house tidy. Not like the house is tidy, but getting there. I flutter from one thing to another and that seems to work best for me.
If only he could feel at ease here, if only he felt comfortable with me.
Yesterday I hugged him and I could feel this awkwardness with him. So I asked, if this made him feel uncomfortable and sadly he said yes.
Unsure what happened that got him to become so distant from me.
All I find as a reason, a probable reason is that he is no longer in love with me. Not something I like, of course. But if he was in love with me still, somewhere deep inside his confused heart, he would have felt something spark already.
I have been depressed for too long and maybe in a different way to know whether it could make him this aloof. If it is that, I don't know... it doesn't really help wondering about this. All I know is that my mornings are riddled with bad dreams of him being with some other woman or him being with me. One former hurts me because it might become true and the latter because it might never be true anymore.
I so badly want him to feel love for me. Not to come back and revert back to how it was. I changed too much, though he doesn't see it really or is not able to right now, I have.
Not sure how to explain this change. It is a sort of waking up from a deep sleep. But like my actual mornings it also rings true for my metaphorical waking up, it hurts and it is not as comfortable and thrilling as one would expect.
When you start doing, you realize it ain't a simple walk in the park. Not that my life was that before, but that was something I had gotten to know. I was going to say understand, but I doubt I ever fully understood my life before until haven waken up in a way. They do always say that taking a 3rd person view on your own things helps to see more clearly. That, it does.
I hope he wakes up too. I miss seeing the man I have known for so long and I am not ready yet to just accept that he is gone. He was with me for too long to just give up on him still being in there. I guess what I want most besides him loving me, is seeing him smile and laugh again. His gorgeous eyes melt me when he smiles and it seems like he is perpetually stuck in a different world right now. A world in which he finds little reasons to smile with his whole soul. I truly hope that comes back, for him, for me, for us...
If only he could feel at ease here, if only he felt comfortable with me.
Yesterday I hugged him and I could feel this awkwardness with him. So I asked, if this made him feel uncomfortable and sadly he said yes.
Unsure what happened that got him to become so distant from me.
All I find as a reason, a probable reason is that he is no longer in love with me. Not something I like, of course. But if he was in love with me still, somewhere deep inside his confused heart, he would have felt something spark already.
I have been depressed for too long and maybe in a different way to know whether it could make him this aloof. If it is that, I don't know... it doesn't really help wondering about this. All I know is that my mornings are riddled with bad dreams of him being with some other woman or him being with me. One former hurts me because it might become true and the latter because it might never be true anymore.
I so badly want him to feel love for me. Not to come back and revert back to how it was. I changed too much, though he doesn't see it really or is not able to right now, I have.
Not sure how to explain this change. It is a sort of waking up from a deep sleep. But like my actual mornings it also rings true for my metaphorical waking up, it hurts and it is not as comfortable and thrilling as one would expect.
When you start doing, you realize it ain't a simple walk in the park. Not that my life was that before, but that was something I had gotten to know. I was going to say understand, but I doubt I ever fully understood my life before until haven waken up in a way. They do always say that taking a 3rd person view on your own things helps to see more clearly. That, it does.
I hope he wakes up too. I miss seeing the man I have known for so long and I am not ready yet to just accept that he is gone. He was with me for too long to just give up on him still being in there. I guess what I want most besides him loving me, is seeing him smile and laugh again. His gorgeous eyes melt me when he smiles and it seems like he is perpetually stuck in a different world right now. A world in which he finds little reasons to smile with his whole soul. I truly hope that comes back, for him, for me, for us...
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