My second big mistake.

Then things got fucked up. I fucked things up.
He started staying away evenings on end, working at his Vespa's, an Italian bike, and I saw little of him.
Though that part he did wrong what I did next was much more stupid.
I had joined an online OCD group. 1 of the people running the place caught my eye, he was very confident or came across that way. A trait I seem to like.

I fell for him. My isolated life-style and the many evenings alone looked for something more.
That guy ended up coming to my country. We went too far and to this day I am ashamed of this.
This is not what and who I wanted to be. But the relationship remained strangely close.
He met up with us afterward. Yes, I had told everything to my partner. But still, he found it okay to let him meet us again. By now the romance had become more of a friendship.
This guy had his own issues and though he is till this day my best friend, it has not been easy.
When I started to say no to any advances, he did not take no as a plausible answer and was self-serving to the extreme.
But people do stupid things, due to love or due to OCD and depression.

Do I regret what I did? Yes. Though he is now my best friend, it still bothers me. Though my partner never truly reproached me, it makes me feel ashamed. This was something I would never do.
Yet years later I fell for someone else.
I do somewhat blame my depression and OCD. The isolation got me to be online for hours.
I did stupid things, things I could and don't want to explain even anonymously.
My partner, he didn't leave me then. He forgave me.
I never deserved that.
Never deserved him.
But I still loved him, strange as it may sound.
The kicks I looked for didn't deter from my actual love.
I know, as an outsider I am just the horrible party.
Poor neglected woman, stuck alone at home falling for cocky online personas.
I will never be able to forgive myself like my partner was able to.
Never...