The regrets are endless, much like my love.

-
Today it was made clear by him how much anger he has to me. Though I have said he was filled with poison towards me for months now. Is horrible to see this in a person you always thought loved you and which you love.
Why is he so angry? For the mistakes I made that I already admitted to.
Though for years he would say, "that's behind us", "let it go", it seems this was a lie of his.
Why he would not have told me upfront I fucked up and that he was angry? I have no idea.

He is also very angry for my having expected him to help me with my OCD.
His continuous "You should not have asked me anything" versus my "You should not have given into anything" continued.
But he has a point when he says I am relentless when it comes to getting my way.

I have often said if my willpower in getting my OCD-way would be applied to other things I would be King of France by now. If you take into consideration I am a woman and France a Republic, you understand my point.

But I am so tired of him telling me in every conversation, read discussion, "this is why I left also".
My list of things to regret and things to hate about myself is lengthy. He seems to like adding to it and then saying he doesn't want to hurt me or that I don't love myself, it is not that he is adding to this.
True though, I do not like myself.
I fucked up so much and now the man of my life left me. Why and how could I love myself?
So many what ifs and I shoulda couldas...
How do people move on from this? How do they forgive themselves when the person they love and respect the most is unable to?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Numbness' vicious circle.

-
I have taken anti-depressants for many years. What they don't tell you is how it lowers your libido. How it numbs your feelings. So why would I cheat in an online way, aside from the time the guy came to meet me here and I went too far, yet not all the way. I looked for kicks. Anti-depressants make you numb, only kicks get you to feel alive. I did try to stop taking them often but always got suicidal when I did.
Read more

Time stopped...

-
Everything around me stayed the same... His clothes, his stuff... Years have been spent with me here alone, waiting for him to come home. How annoyed I was when he would come later and later... Then he would go for long walks, 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours... Whatever time he would come home he would go for those walks, always alone. I am used to sitting here in the dark. His entrance being my oxygen. I would start talking talking talking and all he wanted was silence. For no 1 to be there to annoy him. But I always was. Always awaiting him... Some want that, not him. I was nothing of what he wanted. I see that now. I regret being myself. I regret my choices. I regret my blindness... Hindsight, 20/20. Easy to see. I need my oxygen... He needs his alone time. I want no more time alone... I want no more time alone please...
Read more

An actual Pause.

-
I would have loved to hand him a remote that had a Pause Button on it. Here, push it I would tell him. Push it and enjoy your break. But don't forget to push Play when you want to come back to me. But don't just press Stop... When I went away by myself for a few days I bought 2 little clay birds. They are whistles. One for him and one for me. Blow this whistle the day you feel your love for me return I said. They stand beak to beak on top of a frame in the kitchen. One will remain silent and the other will await its call forever. Breaking them would make it easier... Why do people press Stop so easily? Because pushing Pause takes more work.
Read more