I never grew up.
I never grew up.
Not really.
Part of me remained a teenager.
I do long to go back to when things seemed more safe. Not half as much as to when he and I stood together in a relationship though.
Things never seemed very easy for me.
Both when my brother and then I were born, my dad left. Leaving a heartbroken woman with kids.
Surely this affected me?
Then things seemed perfect. But they weren't.
The fighting got worse.
He would spit in her face.
She would cry.
He would scream to get into the car or he would run us over, I had stepped out also. I was younger than 12.
He would get these outbursts of anger and break things. He would smash plates. The look in his eyes made me so scared.
I learned that asking him questions about things would soothe his temper. Inviting friends worked too, at first.
He cheated, and then she did too.
One day at the table, again I was younger than 12, the cheating was thrown out on the proverbial table.
"He cheats with the mother of this and that friend."
"She cheats with other men."
They both were right.
I remember exactly how I was sat at the table with my brother.
He and I felt uncomfortable and laughed. What else could we do.
I vouched I would never screw up like that. I will never understand how I did anyway...
I have a bad temper too. How horrible to see your parent's character flaws in yourself.
My dad used to be the one person who could calm me down if I was anxious.
My dad used to be the person who would get very angry when I started being "strange" and had "irrational" behavior.
They both got annoyed by a child that was scared and acted immature at times.
They had too much going on to bother about my world.
So I was alone in my world. I guess so was my brother and in a way, so were they.
Now my partner, the man who used to be my partner has become as angry as my dad was. As disrespectful. As interested in other women.
Obviously, I have no claim to make...
He told me so, and he is right, "when a relationship stops you have no business with what the other does and they don't have to tell you anything about what they are doing"
True. But had I been less isolated I would have heard via common friends how he was seen with her and her and her... So should I be happy to not know?
How will I do this...
Now I have to grow up...
But I don't know how, I don't know if I want to...
Not really.
Part of me remained a teenager.
I do long to go back to when things seemed more safe. Not half as much as to when he and I stood together in a relationship though.
Things never seemed very easy for me.
Both when my brother and then I were born, my dad left. Leaving a heartbroken woman with kids.
Surely this affected me?
Then things seemed perfect. But they weren't.
The fighting got worse.
He would spit in her face.
She would cry.
He would scream to get into the car or he would run us over, I had stepped out also. I was younger than 12.
He would get these outbursts of anger and break things. He would smash plates. The look in his eyes made me so scared.
I learned that asking him questions about things would soothe his temper. Inviting friends worked too, at first.
He cheated, and then she did too.
One day at the table, again I was younger than 12, the cheating was thrown out on the proverbial table.
"He cheats with the mother of this and that friend."
"She cheats with other men."
They both were right.
I remember exactly how I was sat at the table with my brother.
He and I felt uncomfortable and laughed. What else could we do.
I vouched I would never screw up like that. I will never understand how I did anyway...
I have a bad temper too. How horrible to see your parent's character flaws in yourself.
My dad used to be the one person who could calm me down if I was anxious.
My dad used to be the person who would get very angry when I started being "strange" and had "irrational" behavior.
They both got annoyed by a child that was scared and acted immature at times.
They had too much going on to bother about my world.
So I was alone in my world. I guess so was my brother and in a way, so were they.
Now my partner, the man who used to be my partner has become as angry as my dad was. As disrespectful. As interested in other women.
Obviously, I have no claim to make...
He told me so, and he is right, "when a relationship stops you have no business with what the other does and they don't have to tell you anything about what they are doing"
True. But had I been less isolated I would have heard via common friends how he was seen with her and her and her... So should I be happy to not know?
How will I do this...
Now I have to grow up...
But I don't know how, I don't know if I want to...
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