I will always love you.

-
Throughout these months of confusion he kept saying "I love you"
Then slowly things got added to this.
Not the way you want me to.
Not like I used to.
Not like a partner.
Not enough.
Today after a huge fight on the phone. A fight that for me started with a call a few hours ago, with him not saying "I love you" back at me.

See, I seem crazy to be angry for that.
But after those months of him saying I love you but always with this BUT added to it and me telling him he should stop saying this for it made it harder and more confusing to me, he stopped. At least, he tried to. I tried to.

But it hurt even more to no longer hear those words from him. Those magical words...
So I told him, I would take the responsibility that when he would say I love you to me I would, until the day he would tell me he has fallen back in love with me, I would see it as him saying "I love you as a friend"
So he said it again.
I would tell him I loved him and he could say it back.

I however could not help but see more in this, or in a way feel more sad knowing it was a new love...
So when he didn't say it back to me today, I got hurt and then angry.
A phone call later same things happened.
I tell him, remind him of what I had told him. How I take it on me to put his I love you's into perspective.
So I say:" I love you" like I always said, like I always felt, say and feel...
He replied "Just know I will always love you"...
Not however, like he always said, like he always felt...
I miss him.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Numbness' vicious circle.

-
I have taken anti-depressants for many years. What they don't tell you is how it lowers your libido. How it numbs your feelings. So why would I cheat in an online way, aside from the time the guy came to meet me here and I went too far, yet not all the way. I looked for kicks. Anti-depressants make you numb, only kicks get you to feel alive. I did try to stop taking them often but always got suicidal when I did.
Read more

Time stopped...

-
Everything around me stayed the same... His clothes, his stuff... Years have been spent with me here alone, waiting for him to come home. How annoyed I was when he would come later and later... Then he would go for long walks, 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours... Whatever time he would come home he would go for those walks, always alone. I am used to sitting here in the dark. His entrance being my oxygen. I would start talking talking talking and all he wanted was silence. For no 1 to be there to annoy him. But I always was. Always awaiting him... Some want that, not him. I was nothing of what he wanted. I see that now. I regret being myself. I regret my choices. I regret my blindness... Hindsight, 20/20. Easy to see. I need my oxygen... He needs his alone time. I want no more time alone... I want no more time alone please...
Read more

An actual Pause.

-
I would have loved to hand him a remote that had a Pause Button on it. Here, push it I would tell him. Push it and enjoy your break. But don't forget to push Play when you want to come back to me. But don't just press Stop... When I went away by myself for a few days I bought 2 little clay birds. They are whistles. One for him and one for me. Blow this whistle the day you feel your love for me return I said. They stand beak to beak on top of a frame in the kitchen. One will remain silent and the other will await its call forever. Breaking them would make it easier... Why do people press Stop so easily? Because pushing Pause takes more work.
Read more