How he makes me happier.
He has always added to my life, added happiness.
I know this now, more than ever before.
I do so much by myself now.
But until the recent past all that was exciting, fun and new was shared with him.
Few people understand this. Most people have lives besides their partners.
For me however, I was alone most of the time.
Then he would come home and oxygen was breathed into my world.
We would go have dinner, go for a ride, go for a walk, go to a museum, go to a concert...
All the adventures came with him, through him.
I know, he shouldn't have had that role but as long as he loved me... that all made sense.
It is okay to depend on someone, when they love you.
Nothing wrong with laying in someones hands, when they love you.
So I felt fine with this.
Now, now that I do all these things most people would not have considered possible for me to do by myself... I realize it doesn't thrill me half as much as it thrills some of them.
I am not proud or happy.
I don't feel empowered by doing things by myself.
Yes, it is nice to finally know I am able to.
But would I choose to if I had a choice of alone vs with him? No, I likely want to do most of the things with him. No, I would more often do things by myself, or do the things he didn't want to do by myself or just to create more free time for him.
But in essence, I don't get all that excited by this independence.
If anything, I have come to realize I see him as that extra ingredient that makes life more fun, happy, worthy and to be honest, I don't feel ashamed to say this. I don't feel less of a independent person wanting him to share things with me. I have done the things, I do the things, but now I know for sure I like them better with him.
Would have liked it to be differently, because it is not comfortable being dumped and then realizing you really love that person more than you thought you did and you really enjoy sharing your life with them.
That's how it is though.
So when yesterday I told him I missed him and asked him if he missed me I did hope for a specific response. Did I get it? No.
Instead he said yes at first to then say: "No, actually I don't but I miss the comfort of when we had a relationship without doubt."
He doesn't miss me, he misses the comfort.
Again, people would have thought I would have said such a thing. Not him.
But when weeks or so ago I told him all I appreciated about him and went on and on and then asked what he appreciated about me he gave me a list of 3 things.
How I love animals.
How I cook food he likes.
I even forgot the 3rd item on his short list.
Yes, I become a little more nothing to him with each passing day.
I wrote to him once, when he went to France with his work friends, all the things I said much obliged to him for. Though it is in my nature to want to say sorry for all I did wrong, I wanted to point out the positives for a change. What a long list that was and still is and each day I could find another item to add to it. He, he found 3 things...
I know this now, more than ever before.
I do so much by myself now.
But until the recent past all that was exciting, fun and new was shared with him.
Few people understand this. Most people have lives besides their partners.
For me however, I was alone most of the time.
Then he would come home and oxygen was breathed into my world.
We would go have dinner, go for a ride, go for a walk, go to a museum, go to a concert...
All the adventures came with him, through him.
I know, he shouldn't have had that role but as long as he loved me... that all made sense.
It is okay to depend on someone, when they love you.
Nothing wrong with laying in someones hands, when they love you.
So I felt fine with this.
Now, now that I do all these things most people would not have considered possible for me to do by myself... I realize it doesn't thrill me half as much as it thrills some of them.
I am not proud or happy.
I don't feel empowered by doing things by myself.
Yes, it is nice to finally know I am able to.
But would I choose to if I had a choice of alone vs with him? No, I likely want to do most of the things with him. No, I would more often do things by myself, or do the things he didn't want to do by myself or just to create more free time for him.
But in essence, I don't get all that excited by this independence.
If anything, I have come to realize I see him as that extra ingredient that makes life more fun, happy, worthy and to be honest, I don't feel ashamed to say this. I don't feel less of a independent person wanting him to share things with me. I have done the things, I do the things, but now I know for sure I like them better with him.
Would have liked it to be differently, because it is not comfortable being dumped and then realizing you really love that person more than you thought you did and you really enjoy sharing your life with them.
That's how it is though.
So when yesterday I told him I missed him and asked him if he missed me I did hope for a specific response. Did I get it? No.
Instead he said yes at first to then say: "No, actually I don't but I miss the comfort of when we had a relationship without doubt."
He doesn't miss me, he misses the comfort.
Again, people would have thought I would have said such a thing. Not him.
But when weeks or so ago I told him all I appreciated about him and went on and on and then asked what he appreciated about me he gave me a list of 3 things.
How I love animals.
How I cook food he likes.
I even forgot the 3rd item on his short list.
Yes, I become a little more nothing to him with each passing day.
I wrote to him once, when he went to France with his work friends, all the things I said much obliged to him for. Though it is in my nature to want to say sorry for all I did wrong, I wanted to point out the positives for a change. What a long list that was and still is and each day I could find another item to add to it. He, he found 3 things...
Comments
Post a Comment