Of Broken Hearts and Self.

Who have I become? Why does this simple question keep coming up? How much of me is due to my mental disorder, how much is me. When is just me also just my OCD.

 You know, I already forgot that 1 of the last times I posted was to say I broke up with M. yet here I am, again… in the break- up. This time he left me. This time, I did not go running back.

 So from the get- go M. has been easily irritated, frustrated and arrogant. I know for sure because yesterday I found a book, a diary from the time just before I moved. Apparently S. had said he liked M. and that he seemed, careful and as such reminded him of A. that way. I wrote that I told him he was not always that way but could be irritated, frustrated and arrogant. This was a long time ago. This was the time I was trying to pull out of the relationship at rapid fire and always returned. I would end things and feel relief and then either he or I got back and things restarted. Why was I always leaving? I wanted to find myself. Why was he always returning? No idea. Why was I returning or letting him back in? I was scared to lose him because he‘d tell me that if he left, we‘d be nothing anymore. While I from the start knew I wanted him in my life, though as what I could not say. He even told me 1 day during the n- th break- up that I was merely staying not to lose him. It didn‘t d...

 What a crazy brain I have. Honestly, my brain is a good 1. But it creates things which are fun and pretty but equally stressful stuff.  I woke up out of a very bizar dream. Stefan my ex was annoyed at me, his face had changed. He literally had turned uglier, not that he is ugly for he is actually very handsome. But he turned ugly matching his actions and words. Suddenly this woman appears next to him with an equally horrible voice and attitude. His new woman!!!! He had known her for 20 years and I never had seen her, no face to put to her. I always failed to come along being isolated as I was and when I finally did want to meet her he had told me I wouldn‘t be able to deal with their bond. When he left me he had already been with her for 3 months. Yay for me. Now there she was, a brute of a woman and he too had turned into a brutish looking man. Anyway, as per usual I wake up with heart racing and the usual questioning of all my choices.

 I feel down. Not down and a funny movie will cheer me up. Down, as in when I picked up the shoelaces and tried to hang myself. But not a soul is around to give me warmth. S. stopped giving a shit, A. forgot to show he might give a shit and M. is too busy to give a shit and too wanting to have fun. This, this is a new version of loneliness and it disturbs me highly and it disturbs no 1….

 He is such a nice guy. But then, suddenly he turns into some monster. I grew up with a man who would with a single look make me so scared I felt like peeing my pants. Who would be proud that he never hit me but forgot how smashing plates, bending forks, screaming and physically standing in front of you to intimidate you are of the same language. To tell yourself that because you didn't hit someone you are not aggressive is foolish. Is being in denial. So at age 45 I found myself in a position of more of the same. I didn't see it coming. Really.... But it did come. I know I'm frustrating and my OCD is tiresome and annoying but I also know I should never try and explain and condone aggression. It simply is not okay. I was very aggressive toward S. and I feel ashamed of this each time I look back on this. The day he left I said I would stop that behavior. I never screamed at M. because I was feeling frustrated, I didn't try and hurt him with words like I used to. I wanted...